what I learned today
- you can't interview Nardwuar: the Human Serviette, you just cant
- "WiFi" is an acronym for "wireless fidelity"
- I don't have much food around here

whatever happened to...
The Bangles: yeah, that's right... I wanna know what happened to them.
I was listening to this Kid 606 album ("the action packed mentallist brings you the fucking jams") and he mixes it up with some "walk like an egyptian". Being the total child of the 80's that I am, I have fond memories and a complete disdain for the "music of my era".
But alas, I remember that Susanna Hoffs was one of my first childhood crushes...
I mean, look at this picture... Who could not be attracted to that at the tender age of 9? (and still...(raises eyebrow))
According to their website they last released an album in 1995. They're still together, but in the past 7 years they've only released three compilations...
I think Susanna shoud be a huge part of the retro wave. Hot DJs or producers like Dan The Automator, or UNKLE (aka DJ Shadow) or Moby should get Susanna's sexy voice on their freaky-tweaky tracks.
Yes. That would be awesome.

waiter harrasment
(I know I spelled it wrong, I did it on purpose)
Carla had put together this "how to" course called "Waiter Harassment 101"...
here is a picture of the intended result of waiter harassment
I believe I got a 95% in this course, but I'm still awaiting my final results.

aw dag, concert drag
I just realized that Imperial Teen is playing with the Breeders this week... I was kinda impartial about paying 20 blo for just the breeders show, but for the Breed and Impteen? Man, I need to think about this some more.
I won't be able to see Hayden on thursday, which leaves resources free for Mum (thats a band, not my mother) on Wednesday, and hopefully $2 left over for the Hidden Cameras on Friday (can I whore them any more, sheet)
This all means that I can't go see the Wednesday CoOp Jam at Club 88 wednesday... oh, wait... that's in august.. what..
oh wait, Mum is tonight, not wednesday... I'm so confused...
and then, also on thursday is Vancoover bandolier, Hot Hot Heat, London power-pop the Weekend, and shoegazers Raising the Fawn... an awesome line up...grr
Oh well, the Weekend's playing at A taste of Danforth before 54:40 on Aug 9... for free. I'm there. Greektown baby!
Or maybe I'll just fuck it all and go to sleep.

song of the day
About this point at looking at concert listings and having my head explode, I'm pretty much sick of music right now. The Constantines are playing in the background, but they had 4 SOTDs already (ooh, SOTD's... sounds nasty)...
here's something:Jurassic 5: Jurass Finish First
Jurassic 5 are basically like the Wu-Tang Clan if the Wu weren't as interested in money and pot as they were about making fun and socially conscious and good hip-hop music with a super talented DJ (Cut Chemist)... okay, so they're nothing alike... there's just a lot of guys in each crew.

learn about me
or don't... it's not a commandment
This is the Graig 100.. it's definitely not everything you wanted to know about me, and it won't enrich your life in any way, and you probably won't get a better understanding of me or yourself... you'll essentially waste 12 minutes (or less) reading it, as I wasted 2 hours writing it.
here's a few samples to whet your appetite:
23. I hope I'm not a starfucker, but I can't be sure
41. I think flared nostrils are sexy
54. If I were an American citizen, I would be "Anti-American"
63. I can be an indie snob sometimes, I'm sorry
71. I know my mom doesn't like it when I swear
91. I wonder what my life would be like if I were an asshole
100. I may not be smart but I've got lip balm

since Gringo is still missing
its time for me to get my spider fill... seeing as the massive arachnid antics of 8-Legged Freaks has hit the theatres today let's look at some reviews of reviews...
The Eye: their online review is "delightfully pandering" if not "somewhat patronizing" and full of "self-aggrandizing 'one-liners'"... the Eye also has a Feedback page with some generally inane mutterings but one slice of gold quoting: Where did they find spiders that large? I'll bet it was really scary being in the movie with them. They were well trained. What if one of them got mad and bit an actor? I hope none of those spiders come around my house.. which peaks into a crescendo of masturbation with nosehair clippers. I was enthralled.
dude, this is so meta
Roger Ebert gave it a three star rating and I thought he called Men in Black Two a "limp retard" when he actually said was "limp retread". I like my version better. He also informs me that there's a bird eating spider in "Crocodile Hunter: Collision Course"... am I gonna have to see that one too, Carla? This is actually a quite charming review full of history, and witty decantor... go read it.
The Internet Movie Database (IMDB) you have to take the IMDB user comments with a grain of salt. Most of these people writing aren't smart.. same with user reviews on Amazon.. like, who's favorite movie is Millenium.. Really? The biggest problem is the only post on there right now is way to serious... lighten up buddy, it's a goofy film. User ratings 5.9/10
Filmcritic.com this is a website made up of critics who are too into their own indie bullshit to actually sit down and enjoy something.. kinda like how I am sometimes, you know... I feel so close to you now, filmcritic.com. Can I join the club?? They called the special effects in Independance Day "haphazard"... the effects were the only thing of substance in that shite film buddy... sheesh, some mother's brother's kids.
Rotten Tomatoes pulls together as many reviews as it can find... I ignored them all.... it's apparently 46% rotten.

let the Pope bashing begin
(don't worry we're not actually going to beat on the pope, we're just going to make fun of him)
Mr. Holy, as was his nickname in high-school, is heading to the burg of Toronto for the World Youth Day thang, and well, I couldn't be more disinterested.
And I'm not the only one.
My friend and I were chatting today over messenger, with tonnes of fun at the expense of the Pope, unfortunately I lost the transcript, which was ever so witty with the back and forth and the egging of the Popemobie, and the Secret Service Priests, and the "what do they keep under those robes, anyway?" with the "I dunno, numchucku, a sari, a big fuckin samurai sword"... NINJAPOPE! Ah yes... the genesys of ninjapope, all of which is now lost to the ages.
Please, feel free to steal NINJAPOPE from me, create your own pop-culture icon and empire, and leave me scratching my head or scratching my penniless ass.
(ninjapope is copyright me, now, forever, so phtt)

song of the day
breaking any promises, there shall be no Local Rabbits tune today because of the big electrical fuckup on Bloor yesterday.
so, instead, I present to you: Couch: Irgendwann
described as "German art-rock"... yeah, i can see that

the festivities
The meetup was set for the Madison, which, I quickly discovered, was the absolute worst place to try and meet up with people you have never met before. The place, essentially three old manors linked together, was a spiralling bevvy of staircases and hallways and doors the likes I haven't seen or felt since I first entered high-school, then again at university... just. frickin. huge.
It didn't take that long for three of us lost souls to find eachother and in turn eventually find the group, but I'm sure a lesser person, a person with a more actif-social life, would have just turned and left (and I'm betting, unfortunately, many did).
It was great fun meeting new peoples, a jolly friendly lot they are, but alas and alak I had to go race over to Lee's Palace at 11 to catch the Local Rabbits, a band I've been gearing up to see for well over 4 years... unfortunately, due to a power outage and some other freaky storm related mishaps, Lee's was closed, and the gig was already in swing down at the Horseshoe, too far away to really make the trip worthwhile. SO, back to the pits from whence I came.
Unfortunately, I guess Lord Stanley's Cup was visiting the Madison that night, making it nigh impossible to get upstairs... yeah, hockey or something... whatever.
Luckily, there was a happy little progectile vomiting incident near where the remaining crew had gathered and they quickly vacated, or so the story goes, and I met back up (and there was much rejoicing, hurrah)
We sauntered down to another bar, up many many many many stairs to the rooftop, where we proceeded to torment our waiter by ordering, for me, the strangest of drink combinations (coke and baileys??? it was actually good)... he, well, more than once, shielded his face in embarassment, shot pleading looks to the other onlooker that were watching our trainwreck in progress, and generally just gave us... that face... (picture to come from Carla or Kelly.)
I wish I had my camera... not so I could torment my fellow blog-heads, but rather to take shots of all the neat shit the Toronto Hydro guys were playing around with near the manholecovers (or is it person-hole covers now?)... that was some boss funky, I tell you what.

the festivities pt ii
alternate takes...it's the spider behind multi angle DVD style thingy...
whatever
Kelly's p.o.v.
Rannie's p.o.v.
Ken's p.o.v.
Jen's p.o.v.

what I realized
I've passed my one year Toronto anniversary. Hooray.
My blog is now a month old.
I drink the strangest shit and enjoy it.
My ears move when I smile.
"Hirsute" is another word for "hairy".
There's a Christian Bale mailing list.
I have more than five bald people in my novel.
Cel-phones are, by nature, evil, and should be destroyed by people in foam phone costumes... or perhaps you should just toss it away yourself (I can't hate the people who use them, but I can still hate them)

I hate cel phones
I HATE cel phones, I really do!

that's it, I'm moving to movable type
soon.

wrong number
"Yes, this is Mrs Golden, I'm your next door neighbour. Umm... I wonder if you could, between your building and mine, uh, there's a lot of garbage in this little allaway (actual pronunciation) I wonder if you could have your student (super?) clean that out and also right at the bottom of your building there, there's some wood there which is rotting, and it's a pain in the neck cause I get a whole bunch of mushrooms and it looks awful and I have to keep cleaning it, and if you could do something about that. My name is Golden, G-O-L-D-E-N, and I'm at ____ Bloor Street West, and my number is ___-____"

Sure, I'll get right on that lady

gently soused
Gots to love walking past the well-pickled winos (Toronto actually has winos, we're so New York now) on Queen Street as they topple over into you, curse you out, and ramble on incoherently about, likely, government conspiracies and alien abductions.
What I wouldn't give to have that guy's job...

me do work for free
no, it's not Bizarro World, I'm trying to volunteer for the Toronto International Film Fest (hey, this job is only gonna last so long, so why not work for free! eh?), but the funny thing is you have to submit a resume and references, as well as fill out an online form and register at a 2hour volunteer meeting... I've never had an actual job that I've had to go through this many hoops for... dance spider-monkey, dance!

call me Chastizor

she said: "fooling around with my friend..gave me that backup plan..girls seem to need all the time...which gave me the security to just act normal and not crowd the shit out of ______ (current boyfriend)."

I said: "You know what... I fucking hate the backup plan.. The backup plan pisses me off like nothing else does.. it frustrates me and I don't understand it. why do girls always need "the backup plan"? what is this obsession girls have about being in relationships all the time? guys don't have this problem."

she said: "i don't know.. i don't know what it is with the backup plan."

I said: "I'm comfortable not being in a relationship.... the wrong relationships cause too much drama and aren't worth it...and the wrong relationships are so easy to identify... I just don't get it."

she said: "that's true. i don't know...i hate being alone. i didn't mind at U(niversity). alone...doesn't mean having to be in a relationship. at U, I had some great friends around..the type of friends everyone should have...i didn't need a man. but, when you have undependable friends...you get really lonely."

I said: "I guess that's where I'm lucky... I choose my friends as carefully as I choose my relationships... my friends are some of the most dependable people on earth. I know they are always there for me and they know the same... I hope."

So, is this true. Does having bad friendships result in having bad relationships? (It's possible...)
Should we be more selective about the people we call friends? (definitely)
Does Graig really think all women are pathetic? (nope... a crass generalization based on about 80% of the women I've called friends and watching too much Sex and the City)

two event tomorrow... today!
It's a Toronto blog meetup thang, where I can meet some new peoples... not like I met old peoples, but I digress..
I look forward to it, but I have to cut out early-ish (11:00) to saunter over to Lee's Palace for the most laid-back rockers, the Local Rabbits.
If it's not a great evening, well, then, someone has it in for me. Like, totally, you know.

song of the day
as promised, DJ Shadow:Organ Donor

just in time for...Chopper Dave (Hayooooooo)
Back from the DJ Shadow concert, and all I can say is - in Thunder Bay fashion - fuckin' rights, man.
It was amazing. You would figure one guy just spinning records would be much of a show, well, you'd be wrong, strange goat, you would be wrong.
Shad had an amazing display set up with three screens side by side, sometimes showing different images, sometimes showing one big image. There were two operators behind stage doing a live video mix as Shad did his DJ thang on stage. Another great feature was the turntable cam, really highlighting Shads skills (which he's got in spades and neuters)
For the encore, a drummer buddy of Shad from London-town (that's London proper, and not Ontario) joined him on stage for a live beats and dj jam which was worth the price of admission alone.
The great thing about DJ Shadow is he's completely humble, has no ego at all, and is tremendously happy that people enjoy what he does enough that he can make a living from it.. I would be too.
And I danced my ass off... okay, well, my ass is still there but my legs are sore.

other things I learnt today
-don't wear sandals to dance in. Gonna have some mean blisters tomorrow.
-it doesn't matter how much money you take out of the bank, you're going to spend it all in the same day regardless
-the "burning man" thing is some orgy going on next weekend in the desert of arizona or something (yeah, I shouldn't listen to people on the bus, cause they're ever so specific)
-I get the strangest "wrong number" answering machine messages when I don't leave a proper greeting. (transcription coming tomorrow)
-peoples that go to concerts in Toronto, they don't dance...Guess what, peoples, dancing don't make you automatically gay you know.... you have to figure out that kind of lifestyle thing on your own, people in a club or at a concert can't make that decision for you. So swallow your "cool" and move your body like the DJ intended, shit.
-speaking of dancing, and good music, the Hidden Cameras play the Church of the Holy Trinity (umm, wheredat?) on July 26. Admission is $2. Trust me, I've seen them like, I dunno, 8 or 10 times, it's the best $2 you ever spend, ever, in your lifetime, ever... if you don't live in Toronto, come to Toronto, it's only two bucks man... two bucks! And the HC make you feel so good, better, and cheaper, than a massage.

my favorite failure
the Amazing Mr Faux-Mo and I went to dinner at the legendary Shopsy's, where I spied a cute waitress, and we couldn't stop smiling at each other.
When Mr. F-M took off for the biffy, I was going to, maybe, say something (like "Hi" maybe... I dunno, didn't get too far with it in my head)... but I looked around and, well, she apparently had vanished cause I didn't see her anywhere.
Aw dang.
Not, really important though. Just dangit.

also, on the way to dinner
I passed by two friends-of-friends whom I didn't recognize until about a minute after passing... and it was too hot to take a jog back and say hi...
I'm so lazy sometimes... shit. I mean, how often do I actually run into people I kinda know here. Howbe, like, never!

two event tomorrow

the spider on my mouse
Now they've begun to follow me to work.
Yes, a wee little 8-legged critter popped round my desk to have a little look-see of Graig's-work-world. I gave him a helping hand, as he took himself on a tour around my mousepad, over my mouse, around the phone, up my water bottle, over my peanut jar, and finally getting a very close view of what I was working on as he was crawling across my screen.
Small and white, he matched my keyboard and mouse, and I had hoped he'd make himself a permanent fixture, bringing a little piece of home to work with me, but alas, like all my relationships in Toronto, it was merely a brief encounter. I bet he doesn't call either.

more pathos: pity me part two
guy to girl ratio in Toronto is 93.1 men to 100 women
Hey, I'm in demand!!!!
I should move St-Lambert, where the man to woman ratio is 79.1 men to 100 women...
no snappy comment. Make your own insult.

the bathroom encounter: the Gringo Starr report
this morning whilst getting naked prepping for my shower, I dropped my drawers and noticed something scurry quickly out from underneath them to another hiding spot under the baseboards...
it was a spider, and if I'm not mistaken, it was me ol' pal Gringo Starr.
Now, I'm not saying Gringo was hiding up my ass all these days... No.
Really.
I'm actually NOT saying that.
What I am saying is I think he was trying to return back to his little nest behind the toilet, saw me naked, got frightened an ran away cause he was scared ("Who wouldn't be," asked the bearded lady.)
Hopefully, though, he's back where he belongs when I get home from DJ Shadow.

pathos: (pity me)
from the cover of the Globe and Mail:
15.3 million: number of females, compared with 14.7 million males.
Yeah, and I can't find a girlfriend.
75: the number of Canadian men per 100 Canadian women 65 and older.
Get me now ladies, before I'm dead!!!

ahh nothing like biting into a ripe red strawberry with the frest taste of manure
Did you know that 90% of flavour is actually smell. Is true!
Thank you Senor Science.

something I've learned today
wifi=uh, an acronym for "wireless internet access"
sure... thanks to Jayme for learnin' me something

"hot blooded" with the Foreigner Belt
it's getting up to 36 degrees celcius in Tranna today (don't ask me to translate into ferenheit cause only those dang yankees use it), roughly 40 to 45 degrees with the humidex meaning... well... it's fucking hot.

song of the day
Okay, this is hardly a glowing reccommendation, especially since I've never heard them before, and, at work, I have no headphones to even sample them...
but I got tired of looking for audio files of "Unrest" as I really wanted something of their vibe-out-indie-pop-garage-jam music today.
As these guys are supposed to be like Unrest and Yo La Tengo... well, they'll have to do. Who knows, they could even be good.
Glossary:Counterculturalism
Tomorrow's song of the day will be something by DJ Shadow, as I'm going to see him live tonight.
Friday's song will dole out another sample of the Local Rabbits, as I'm going to see them tomorrow night.
The cats out of the bag, all the surprises in store have been bought, and I'm getting "cold as ice" with my Foreigner Belt...

what is a Foreigner Belt, you ask?
look
episode 8 of Aqua Teen Hunger Force: Revenge of the Mooninites:
The Mooninites are back and are as funny as ever. Ignignokt and Err are back to terrorize the Aqua Teens for another episode with hilarious antics that are full of pornography and 70's rock lyrics. The mooninites acquire a rock 'n roll belt playing ski-ball and gain the powers of the 70's super group 'Foreigner.'

the spider over my toilet
so, yeah, Gringo is on another extended holiday, and the other spiders who became so prevalent in my crap-abode have all been vanquished to the netherlands, and well, I was starting to feel a little lonely without my arachnid friends around, but thanks to the Silver Snail in Toronto, I now have a spider over my toilet, in the form of a poster for Eight Legged Freaks!
I just hope Gringo's not insulted.

another me
I'm not a violent person
I'm not an angry person
The world, sure it upsets me, but I don't get upset.
Now video games, on the other hand, these things piss me off.
Nothing gets me more tense than playing one of those fucking video games... any of those fucking video games. They all do it to me, except perhaps for the mass carnage that is State of Emergency.
Nope, it can be anything from Lee Travino's Golf Challenge, to Pac-Man, to Tetris, to Star Wars Rogue Squadron, to this fucking Sumo game right here, it'll rile me up so much that I'll stop short of either busting my fist on a wall or the computer screen with my fist.
I hate video games.
Look what you've done to me.
How am I going to explain these holes to my landlady?

ideas I stole from my coworkers
in the background I heard a group of work chums discussing how awful it is going shopping with their ladyfriends, and they think that every mall should have a "Purseholder Bar" for the guys to hang out in while women do their thing.
I don't know what their problem is. I love going chick-clothes shopping. You get the whole modelling thing as they try on outfits, doing the spin... and as a guy, your opinion finally counts (for once). And you get to make suggestions, even if they're hesitant they'll try it on and model it for you. What's not fun?
I like it, and I'm not ashamed.
I'm like the gay friend who's not gay.

song of the day
I was thinking about really great songs in the shower this morning, you know, songs that when they're over you have to listen to them again...
for me this is one of them:
Flashing Lights: Keep It To Yourself

stupid stupid rat creatures
I'm really getting annoyed with the amount of times I lose my posts whilst blogging...
I'll spend ten-twenty minutes posting something typically brilliant, post it and the damn thing goes missing.
The option of using Movable Type was presented to me by sauna landlord, Mr. Faux-Mo, so I'll be looking at that .
I'm also looking at a second tattoo, something to make my flaming "S" shield a little less lonely... well, once I set the "S" shield on fire, then I get another one... I'm looking at a flaming Green Lantern symbol (no, not the whole t-shirt... but hey, wouldn't a t-shirt tattoo be cool? No, I didn't think so either.)
And then there's monkeys. I'm gonna get a monkey tattoo... you better believe it, cause monkeys kick ass and throw shit... so yeah, monkeys.
I still havn't decided wheter to get an old fashioned Planet of the Apes monkey, or perhaps a "Reg" the Dirty Monkey Bugspray Fun monkey (picture taken by Mr. Faux-Mo in the Balinesian Monkey Forest)
Speaking of monkeys: go visit Potato Feet, he's my monguin (that's a gene-spliced monkey-penguin). Aint he cute. Yeah, I thought so.

bak to vork
Wow, blogging from work, what an experience this is.
And while it's good to be "earning my dough" instead of getting government handouts, this "not sleeping in" business has got to go.
Man, going to bed at "a regular hour" is really "pissing me off". And it's only been a "day".
Why am I using so many "quotes?"
I don't talk with "quotation fingers" all the time, do I? Cause that is soo "annoying."

Yes, the man pulled back in to the 9to5ish (roughly... see I can come in when I want to as long as it's before ten and leave around 8 or 9 hours later.... and no dress code, hoo doggay) grind, which isn't really that grinding mind you, aside from actually having to use an alarm to wake up instead of the way God intended (a mallet on the head).
Thank god it's only temporary.

song of the day
who has time for music when there's work?
I Am Spoonbender: Stopwatch Static
Robynn Iwata (ex-Cub)'s now part of a San Fran based keys&drum electro-smoothness duo... this is the now. Get some.

supper happy funkded up dreams
Effort 3.
So I had last night, while I slept, effectively, what I like to call "the weird stuff" going on in my head.
I dreamt I went back to high school... no it wasn't a reunion (and 10 year reunion deadline is looming, ew) I actually went back to high school with three other 26-year olds to take a writing class.
Now the stranger thing is this: class was held in my parents living room (except the only "real" thing there was my parent's furniture, everything else was white).
The other strange thing is the class was taught by Sarah Michelle Gellar (not acting, people called her Miss Gellar).
Now, in the dream I had just published my first book (it's actually coming soon folks, keep yer eyes peeled) and I had this huge attitude, like I was an artistic genious or something. Miss Gellar didn't like that too much, and so we butted heads quite ofted. Plus, she was being very patronizing.
Yet another strange thing was "class" was never dismissed, we simply went upstairs and slept, the other students in my old room and my sisters old room, Miss Gellar and I slept in my parents room (again, everything was white). Unfortunately, it wasn't that kind of dream...
The next day Miss Gellar and I had a rousing row, me being my primadonna self, saying that my photoshopping triumphs were worth more than just doing a simple story. Miss Gellar was chastizing me, telling me that my "artistic integrity bullshit" wouldn't fly in her class and that I couldn't expect more than a 70%, and that I was capable of doing so much better.
Her talking down to me, insulting my brilliance insulted me, making me so angry that I actually woke up.
Then realized I had to pee.
It was 3:55am... about the time I usually go to bed. Hmm.
Getting back to sleep was an arsepain, and I couldn't get back into my weird high-school writers class dream... I wound up dreaming about other weird things like Howdy Doody and the Muppets and other animated non-living things...
That's what happens when you have peanut butter before bedtime kids.

quite possibly the stupidest thing I've ever seen (well, today at least)

I caught a "puff piece" on the news a few seconds ago about an "underwater music festival".
Yes, a "music festival" underwater.
Essentially it comprised of fat guys in scuba gear with some prop instruments pretending to play music underwater, while on barges above them speakers played Jimmy Buffet tunes and songs from the Little Mermaid.
Oh how exciting. I so have to be there next year.
God it was so lame. And this was supposed to drive tourism to... wherever it was (couldn't be bothered to find out, it sucked that bad.)
Just don't do it kids. Just. Don't. Do it.

other people's pathos
There's nothing more sad than looking at fansites to hip-hop music... more specifically, fansites that decide to transcribe hip-hop lyrics.
I know this is sad because I did my own lousy hip-hop fansite bacl in my "I'm pretty sad, aren't I" phase (which lasted up until, well, last week sometime...)
But at least I never, you know, transcribe the "uh, uh, yeah, c'mon" parts of the song... that is so sad to see that shit written out amidst the ACTUAL lyrics. It looks so, erm, tacky and unprofessional. I don't think rap artists actually write "uh"s and "hoo"s down when they're creating songs. They're riffin' man. Just riffin'.

that said, here's the
song of the day
A Tribe Called Quest: Push It Along
From, easily top 3 best hip-hop albums ever, People's Instinctive Travels and the Paths of Rhythm. There's no mp3 file because, well, you should already own this album and be able to just pop it in to your cd player and nod your head along with me.
If you don't have it, go and get it, because you need it.
... just in case you want a taste, here's some RealAudio tracks for y'all.
-Luck of Lucien
-I Left My Wallet In El Segundo
-Bonita Applebum
-Can I Kick It
all from a non-sad hip-hop ATCQ fansite: ATCQ.com